There are some who have criticized Barack Obama's inaugural speech as being uninspiring (Mort Zuckerman for one) to which I say the speech, indeed, was neither florid nor elegant, but it was sobering, authoritative and eloquent, which is what America really needs right now.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Boadicea's Cosmetic Procedure
Start Velvet Underground's "Sister Ray" off White Light/White Heat; after eighteen seconds start Iron Butterfly's "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" off the album of the same title.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Syncongruence
Before My Name is Earl started, I watched an episode of Weeds: "Last Tango in Agrestic". In this episode Silas Botwin, being a really clingy bad boyfriend tries to keep his girlfriend, Megan, from going away to Princeton by getting her pregnant. He accomplishes this by pricking a hole with a safety pin in one of the condoms used during their shagging session.
On My Name is Earl, one item on The List is "Got the Babysitter Pregnant". Young Earl develops and unreciprocated (well, she sees some charm) crush on the Babysitter, but she already has a boyfriend (File under: The Simpsons Did It) whom she invites over for some on-the-job impropriety on the couch. Out of spite/revenge, Young Earl sneaks the guy's profilactic from his wallet and pokes several holes in it with a pin one would use for hemming.
I am offering no judgement or insight.
I am enjoying this Apple keyboard.
On My Name is Earl, one item on The List is "Got the Babysitter Pregnant". Young Earl develops and unreciprocated (well, she sees some charm) crush on the Babysitter, but she already has a boyfriend (File under: The Simpsons Did It) whom she invites over for some on-the-job impropriety on the couch. Out of spite/revenge, Young Earl sneaks the guy's profilactic from his wallet and pokes several holes in it with a pin one would use for hemming.
I am offering no judgement or insight.
I am enjoying this Apple keyboard.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Sorting Through Old Magazines and Videos
Scene: Field near the MacDill Air Force Base, 2036
A 1967 Chevrolet Corvette convertible is re- presented by two chairs. In the passenger seat are: a can of compressed oxygen, a pack of plastic wrapped three by five cards, an ultra-fine Sharpie and a late-1990s cellphone. “JOHN TITOR,” wearing a plain pocketed shirt and cargo pants, a bluetooth headset in his ear, carrying a copy of Lévi- Strauss' The Savage Mind, stares into the trunk as if waiting for a computer drive to finish de- fragmenting. After possibly too long, a chime of completion. Titor closes the trunk and enters the car (mimed).
JOHN
Gravity Lock set.
John inspects the passenger seat items. Upon finding the three by fives he is overcome by a previously unfelt (or long forgotten) giddiness; with hands trembling, he tears the plastic, separates one and puts the rest in his pockets as if hastily equipping for battle. PROCTOR and LIAÏSON (if they are) speak through the clearest audio technology can produce but not in any booming voice of God way (i.e. it should sound like a cinematic voiceover)
JOHN
Oh, my god, I love you guys!
PROCTOR
What—John, watch your level, you're distorting.
LIAÏSON
I think he's found the archaic memory storage.
JOHN
Well, yeah, when was the last time any of you used paper?
PROCTOR
It's more of a place than a time, for me.
JOHN
Where was this obtained?
LIAÏSON
We can't tell you.
JOHN
Classified? You're fucking with me.
PROCTOR
It came in a very unassuming box.
LIAÏSON
With an equally unassuming man in grey shorts.
JOHN
The deliverer didn't know either?
LIAÏSON
It's a finite amount we have to protect.
JOHN
Layers upon layers...Do you remember going to Wal-mart?
PROCTOR
More of a time then a place.
JOHN
Yeah? Well, back then you could probably walk away with ten of these and they wouldn't give a shit...and I think I just answered my own question...(half awe, half exasperation) What kind of car is this? I understand it's hard to find one that takes petroleum and was made before Seventy-five, but—
LIAÏSON
You find its (clears throat) capacity offensive?
JOHN
It is a little ostentatious, yes. I can feel my dick de-compensating sitting in this...thing.
PROCTOR
Is it really making you that uncomfortable; would you care to explain that comment?
JOHN
Oh? Well, I can tell you all about it; you see, back in the twentieth there was this thing called Penis Envy—
LIAÏSON
Oh, Christ.
JOHN
Oh, good—
PROCTOR
That's Freud, right? It's not Oh-ee—
LIAÏSON
Oh, joy.
JOHN
It's Ay-Oo-Day but I don't think you'll find a Wikipedia page on this.
LIAÏSON
Well try Google.
JOHN
Anyway, it's supposed to be just women who have it but really men kind of had it worse—that is, it expressed itself materially instead of behaviorally. When a rampant consumer culture exploits psychology in that way you get the...
PROCTOR
Oh! Ah...Nineteen-Sixty-Seven Corvette.
LIAÏSON
Chevy.
JOHN
Sixty-seven Chevrolet Corvette. Not of the feminine form your name implies, are you?
John writes this down, sniffs the card and gags.
JOHN
Ugh, this isn't soy-based is it? Let me guess, classified?
LIAÏSON
Authenticity.
PROCTOR
So, how do you know all about (clears throat) envy?
JOHN
Oh! Well, I wrote a thesis on Psychology and Consumerism in the Mid-Twentieth Century. I think that's how I got this job.
LIAÏSON
Would something like that get—
JOHN
No, I didn't. I told you it didn't make Wikipedia...My point about the car is this mission is meant to be as covert as possible this seems to defeat the—
PROCTOR
It was the only one.
LIAÏSON
You'll be selling it and buying another.
JOHN
I see, I suppose I'll have to pretend to be attached to it...Did you have anything specific in mind?
LIAÏSON
Vay-Oo-Ess.
PROCTOR
Four-wheel.
JOHN
Sport utility with four-wheel-drive.
ALL
Diesel.
John writes this down.
JOHN
And I'll have to reset the Gravity Lock.
PROCTOR
Of course.
JOHN
Lovely...While I'm at it, let me double check the model number on this antique: Ee—
John pulls out another card and begins to write.
LIAÏSON
Eye.
JOHN
Eye. Bay. Em—
LIAÏSON
Bee.
JOHN
Bee. Em. Fifty-one. Hundred.
PROCTOR
That's right.
LIAÏSON
Be certain it can do Ay-Pee-El. How was teaching in Migh-Am-Ee?
JOHN
Teaching in Mee-Ahm-Ee is great; you should do it...Ay. Pee. El. And Basic...Now, what is Ay-Pee-El?
PROCTOR
A Programming Language.
JOHN
Yeah, I get that it's a programming language but—
LIAÏSON
Aayy. (pop it) Programming. Lllanguage.
JOHN
Now that's just retarded.
LIAÏSON
That's why it's funny.
John is startled by the ringing of the cellphone, he struggles with it before answering.
JOHN
This is all too retro, isn't it?
PROCTOR
Speak clearly.
JOHN
It's recording right now?
LIAÏSON
Solid-state. Half-terabyte total giving you twenty minutes of video, so only if it's really important and six months of audio.
JOHN
Half a year?
PROCTOR
Look in the glovebox—
LIAÏSON
For the special surprise.
JOHN
Portable Sony in the glovebox.
He pulls out another card and writes down the specifications. John takes off the headset.
JOHN
So?
PROCTOR
Oh, yes. Leave it outside the car somebody'll pick it up.
JOHN
Just toss it out the window...
John searches confusedly at first, then realizes the purpose of the crank; then throws the headset.
JOHN
Why did we ever get rid of manual?
LIAÏSON
(DON'T ASK FOR THE LAUGH! DEAD TO THE PAN!)
A button is faster when you think a fool with a nine is going to punk you.
PROCTOR
...Yeah, whatever. How's the mobile?
JOHN
You don't want to know what it sounds like.
PROCTOR
Why?
JOHN
Because I really don't know how to describe it.
LIAÏSON
I have to hear what you do when you experience Ay-Em for the first time.
JOHN
Amplitude Modulation? I thought that was just one of our parents' ghost stories...Are we ready?
PROCTOR
Yes...All the machinery is there with you, or—
LIAÏSON
The only thing in this room is a secure Pee-Oh-Tee-Ess set to Speaker.
PROCTOR
Modified.
LIAÏSON
Of course, modified.
JOHN
Let's do it...Farewell. When I see you again, it won't be me.
John pushes a few buttons in front of him; Sherry Gaden's “(Theme from) Green Slime” is heard, loudly. John pushes a few more; he sits back and then moves as if he were sitting in a descending elevator. Blackout, then John turns on a flashlight, tries to get comfortable and begins reading. All colors of light flicker everywhere for possibly too long. Blackout.
A 1967 Chevrolet Corvette convertible is re- presented by two chairs. In the passenger seat are: a can of compressed oxygen, a pack of plastic wrapped three by five cards, an ultra-fine Sharpie and a late-1990s cellphone. “JOHN TITOR,” wearing a plain pocketed shirt and cargo pants, a bluetooth headset in his ear, carrying a copy of Lévi- Strauss' The Savage Mind, stares into the trunk as if waiting for a computer drive to finish de- fragmenting. After possibly too long, a chime of completion. Titor closes the trunk and enters the car (mimed).
JOHN
Gravity Lock set.
John inspects the passenger seat items. Upon finding the three by fives he is overcome by a previously unfelt (or long forgotten) giddiness; with hands trembling, he tears the plastic, separates one and puts the rest in his pockets as if hastily equipping for battle. PROCTOR and LIAÏSON (if they are) speak through the clearest audio technology can produce but not in any booming voice of God way (i.e. it should sound like a cinematic voiceover)
JOHN
Oh, my god, I love you guys!
PROCTOR
What—John, watch your level, you're distorting.
LIAÏSON
I think he's found the archaic memory storage.
JOHN
Well, yeah, when was the last time any of you used paper?
PROCTOR
It's more of a place than a time, for me.
JOHN
Where was this obtained?
LIAÏSON
We can't tell you.
JOHN
Classified? You're fucking with me.
PROCTOR
It came in a very unassuming box.
LIAÏSON
With an equally unassuming man in grey shorts.
JOHN
The deliverer didn't know either?
LIAÏSON
It's a finite amount we have to protect.
JOHN
Layers upon layers...Do you remember going to Wal-mart?
PROCTOR
More of a time then a place.
JOHN
Yeah? Well, back then you could probably walk away with ten of these and they wouldn't give a shit...and I think I just answered my own question...(half awe, half exasperation) What kind of car is this? I understand it's hard to find one that takes petroleum and was made before Seventy-five, but—
LIAÏSON
You find its (clears throat) capacity offensive?
JOHN
It is a little ostentatious, yes. I can feel my dick de-compensating sitting in this...thing.
PROCTOR
Is it really making you that uncomfortable; would you care to explain that comment?
JOHN
Oh? Well, I can tell you all about it; you see, back in the twentieth there was this thing called Penis Envy—
LIAÏSON
Oh, Christ.
JOHN
Oh, good—
PROCTOR
That's Freud, right? It's not Oh-ee—
LIAÏSON
Oh, joy.
JOHN
It's Ay-Oo-Day but I don't think you'll find a Wikipedia page on this.
LIAÏSON
Well try Google.
JOHN
Anyway, it's supposed to be just women who have it but really men kind of had it worse—that is, it expressed itself materially instead of behaviorally. When a rampant consumer culture exploits psychology in that way you get the...
PROCTOR
Oh! Ah...Nineteen-Sixty-Seven Corvette.
LIAÏSON
Chevy.
JOHN
Sixty-seven Chevrolet Corvette. Not of the feminine form your name implies, are you?
John writes this down, sniffs the card and gags.
JOHN
Ugh, this isn't soy-based is it? Let me guess, classified?
LIAÏSON
Authenticity.
PROCTOR
So, how do you know all about (clears throat) envy?
JOHN
Oh! Well, I wrote a thesis on Psychology and Consumerism in the Mid-Twentieth Century. I think that's how I got this job.
LIAÏSON
Would something like that get—
JOHN
No, I didn't. I told you it didn't make Wikipedia...My point about the car is this mission is meant to be as covert as possible this seems to defeat the—
PROCTOR
It was the only one.
LIAÏSON
You'll be selling it and buying another.
JOHN
I see, I suppose I'll have to pretend to be attached to it...Did you have anything specific in mind?
LIAÏSON
Vay-Oo-Ess.
PROCTOR
Four-wheel.
JOHN
Sport utility with four-wheel-drive.
ALL
Diesel.
John writes this down.
JOHN
And I'll have to reset the Gravity Lock.
PROCTOR
Of course.
JOHN
Lovely...While I'm at it, let me double check the model number on this antique: Ee—
John pulls out another card and begins to write.
LIAÏSON
Eye.
JOHN
Eye. Bay. Em—
LIAÏSON
Bee.
JOHN
Bee. Em. Fifty-one. Hundred.
PROCTOR
That's right.
LIAÏSON
Be certain it can do Ay-Pee-El. How was teaching in Migh-Am-Ee?
JOHN
Teaching in Mee-Ahm-Ee is great; you should do it...Ay. Pee. El. And Basic...Now, what is Ay-Pee-El?
PROCTOR
A Programming Language.
JOHN
Yeah, I get that it's a programming language but—
LIAÏSON
Aayy. (pop it) Programming. Lllanguage.
JOHN
Now that's just retarded.
LIAÏSON
That's why it's funny.
John is startled by the ringing of the cellphone, he struggles with it before answering.
JOHN
This is all too retro, isn't it?
PROCTOR
Speak clearly.
JOHN
It's recording right now?
LIAÏSON
Solid-state. Half-terabyte total giving you twenty minutes of video, so only if it's really important and six months of audio.
JOHN
Half a year?
PROCTOR
Look in the glovebox—
LIAÏSON
For the special surprise.
JOHN
Portable Sony in the glovebox.
He pulls out another card and writes down the specifications. John takes off the headset.
JOHN
So?
PROCTOR
Oh, yes. Leave it outside the car somebody'll pick it up.
JOHN
Just toss it out the window...
John searches confusedly at first, then realizes the purpose of the crank; then throws the headset.
JOHN
Why did we ever get rid of manual?
LIAÏSON
(DON'T ASK FOR THE LAUGH! DEAD TO THE PAN!)
A button is faster when you think a fool with a nine is going to punk you.
PROCTOR
...Yeah, whatever. How's the mobile?
JOHN
You don't want to know what it sounds like.
PROCTOR
Why?
JOHN
Because I really don't know how to describe it.
LIAÏSON
I have to hear what you do when you experience Ay-Em for the first time.
JOHN
Amplitude Modulation? I thought that was just one of our parents' ghost stories...Are we ready?
PROCTOR
Yes...All the machinery is there with you, or—
LIAÏSON
The only thing in this room is a secure Pee-Oh-Tee-Ess set to Speaker.
PROCTOR
Modified.
LIAÏSON
Of course, modified.
JOHN
Let's do it...Farewell. When I see you again, it won't be me.
John pushes a few buttons in front of him; Sherry Gaden's “(Theme from) Green Slime” is heard, loudly. John pushes a few more; he sits back and then moves as if he were sitting in a descending elevator. Blackout, then John turns on a flashlight, tries to get comfortable and begins reading. All colors of light flicker everywhere for possibly too long. Blackout.
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