Socialize the Losses; or Free, Base Scene E

The Front of the Basser Residence

Phineas “FINN” Arcaddy and GILL walk in tandem singing Johnny Horton's “North to Alaska” to Perdita Basser's door (downstage, center). Finn has no goatee; please do anything else (within reason) to distinguish Finn from Judd (in general, slightly more stylish). Gill should appear vaguely off-duty, but very patriotic.

BOTH

Where the river is windin'

Big nuggets they're findin'

North to Alaska

They're goin' north, the rush is on.

GILL FINN

Way up north. North to Alaska.

Way up north. North to Alaska.

FINN

(whispering in Gill's ear; visible but inaudible)

You're such a fag.

GILL

(quietly, pinching Finn's ass)

Don't I know it.

If we get Jenn elected, we never have to see her again?

FINN

Her literature says that she's, “gonna get on Washington like a piranha,” or—

 

(he consults the pamphlet)

GILL

No, she changed it to “Kodiak”.

(brandishes a paw)

“Jenn the Den Mother.”

FINN

Anyway, some voracious terror.

A Beat.

FINN

This is taking a long time, isn't it?

GILL

Let me try knocking.

He raises a fist as the door opens. This is a duet.

FINN

Hello, Mis'ess Basser. How are you today?

BOTH

Good.

GILL

 

As you probably know, our Mayor—

FINN

Mis'ess Imogen—

GILL

call her “Jenny”—

FINN

Arcaddy—

GILL

My good friend.

FINN

My sister in law—

GILL

Who loves us dearly—

FINN

is running for Senate—

GILL

A great office—

FINN

in Alaska—

GILL

A great state.

FINN

She wants to get down to Washington—

GILL

and re-introduce those elitist politicians—

FINN

 

to some American ideals—

GILL

 

American values—

FINN

She's gonna take Washington like a Kodiak—

They brandish their outside paws.

GILL

 

like a Den Mother—

FINN

And she's going to get what she wants!

GILL

Or she'll come back here—

FINN

And take this state—

GILL

This great state—

FINN

and its oil back for us—

GILL

Away from tax-and-spend liberals—

FINN

And their New York standards—

GILL

And San Francisco values—

FINN

America needs its real values back—

GILL

Its standards—

FINN

Back to Reagan's ideals—

GILL

His principles—

FINN

It can be Morning in America, again—

GILL

With solid economic standards—

FINN

Trickle-down principles—

GILL

Strong moral ideals—

FINN

Treacle-down moral economics—

GILL

Good American marriages—

FINN

Common sense American values—

GILL

Common sense moral standards—

FINN

Genuine economical marriages—

GILL

Like Judd and Jenn—

They do the paw thing again.

FINN

Like Jenn the Den Mother—

GILL

Who loves us dearly—

FINN

 

How can there be any—

BOTH

Sin in sincere?

(slower)

GILL

And we sincerely hope you'll come—

FINN

to the local RNC meeting tonight—

GILL

At the Shoney's—

FINN

At the Town Hall—

GILL

At the Shoney's-Town Hall.

FINN

And it's not even rubber chicken.

GILL

Those Republicans set you up!

Half a Beat.

FINN

Perdy, do I smell you making cherry candy?

A flash of light and sound from a tiny explosion.

BOTH

 

(non-unison)

Oh my God.

GILL

 

(far too calmly)

Finn, get my radio and call the FD here.

I'm sorry, Perdy.

Finn exits running. Slow fade to black as Gill reads Perdita her Miranda rights.

FINN

 

(O.S, shouting)

This won't be good for the image!